Exactly who thought it would be a good idea to base a television show in New Jersey? I bet they’ve fled the country (or at least Jersey) with all their money changed to Euros in an expensive jet.

I don’t get sensitive people. How do you find time to get anything done with all the being sensitive you’re doing? Grow a pair and learn to roll with the punches you nancy.

(Source: thelovelytucan)

I need to get my shit to Lenscrafters.

Looked at a Nature Valley granola bar. Thought it said “Suicide Crunch”

What an interesting idea for a granola bar flavour. 

(Source: thelovelytucan)

I write the happiest shit when I’m in the worst moods.

Does anybody remember that one kid from the War Amp commercials?

Aaaand He’s out of the gates ripping on war amps. Dear god is nothing sacred anymore.

But seriously. There was that one kid who got TKO’d by a lawnmower cuz he was lying on the lawn or something having a snooze. I think he had earphones in but honestly where’s the perfect volume between “I can’t hear the rotating blades of motorized death quickly descending upon my nethers” and “I can sleep to this.” This kid is fucking hardcore to the core.

Some questions, I remember, were raised about this situation.

1. How do you fall asleep on a lawn? Honest to goodness I’ve never been able to do it except when I was really baked that one time and I was listening to Post Rock and staring at clouds.
2. Didn’t anybody give you a heads up? Nobody told this kid “Billy be careful, your father’s going to be mowing the lawn soon, and you know how he gets after he’s been drinking”
3. How do you not wake up in the presence of a lawn mower?! In the dramatic re-enactment the lawn mower was one of those riding ones that are orange and loud as the mother of all mother fucks. There’s only one person I know who could sleep through that. *insert Hellen Keller joke here*
4. How do you run over a sleeping kid with a lawn mower? That’s just something you don’t do.

I always thought the War-Amp mascot robot was cool because he said he lived on Planet Danger and can re-attach his arm. I feel bad for these kids that followed him in the commercial…that’s a pretty much impossible act to follow. Also these kids just look like dumbasses in comparison. Yes kids get into accidents. But falling asleep infront of the fucking killdozer or chasing your road hockey puck into the family kiln isn’t just something that every kid goes through. When I was younger, some shit I didn’t do because a little light would go off in my head labelled “that’s dangerous as all shit and someone will probably die doing it.” Sometimes it pays to be the kid who says “what if” instead of “I immediately regret this desicion.”

This has been a public inquiry by one of the most loathed people ever. 

Parents, soon to be parents, as a future guideline I beg you please don’t raise dumb kids. Actually take care of them and make sure your drunk spouse doesn’t joyride the shit out of them with a lawnmower.

(Source: thelovelytucan)

Eating spaghetti

Everyone else: Nom nom nom nom nom

Me: LOOK!! I’M C’THULHU! GRWAGWARGWAHGWAHGWAHGWHWGHWWGWAGWGAGGGG

Everyone else: …

When it comes to red lipstick

Do, or do not. There is no TRY.

-Jedi Master Yoda

Because when you can’t pull it off and you keep trying, you look like a fucking circus clown.

I dunno why but it seems like every woman in the 1930’s could pull it off. Now you’ll be luck if 1 in 10 can.

I’m blogging about lipstick. I’m giving input about cosmetics.

I’m going to go eat until I stop hating myself.

I think the only thing I’m really really good at is crossing lines and being super offensive

Teenagers…..gross.

What is it about highschoolers that makes them so undesirable…Every time a few of them walk by, I wish I was their parent so I could regret having them.

So that’s a bit harsh. But it makes me sad that these kids are just boring and not very creative. This is something I could go on and on and on about. Yes I was a teenager. I fucked shit up like no other. I made so many mistakes it’s not even funny. But I did it better, harder and with more love than most of these kids I’m seeing around lately. It’s one thing to just defy authority and be a little hellion. It’s another thing to believe in something other than getting fucked up, fucked whatever it is these kids have turned love into these days…

Jesus I sound old.