The Oscars, to me, seem incredibly overhyped. But, then again, I’m a hermit who hardly ever socializes with other actual people. I know very little about celebrities. The celebrities I actually give a legitimate shit about are Jeff Bridges, Morgan Freeman, Judy Dench, Natalie Portman, Jeff Bridges, Michael J Fox, Morgan Freeman, and the list goes on, but not for too much longer. However, no matter how good an actor is, The Oscars ceremony always humbles them down to the nubs. Especially if they’re hosting the event. Also, there’s far too much cock-polishing going on for my liking. By this, I of course mean The Academy furiously and fanatically polishing the cocks of specific titles…to a mirror shine.
Celebrities have never done anything for me. To me they’re just other people, but with noticeably large commitment issues. Celebrity Marriages never seem to last long. The only one I can remember is Bradgelina Politt (Brad and Angelina) But I think that’s because they spend so much time adopting children like a health nut picks strawberries that they don’t have time to actually notice each other. And to tell you the truth, whether Brad and Angelina split up since I last heard about them is a mystery to me. They could still possibly be together. I don’t know. My point here is that Celebrities are just people, and don’t deserve the attention. They’re in movies, for christ’s sake. Do you celebrity-magazine-reader-types not realize this? Wanna watch DiCaprio? Rent Titanic, leave the man alone. Once you realize that they are, in fact ordinary people but with no capacity for marriage and have successful places in the entertainment industry, they’ll stop being so popular and stop being shoved in my beautiful face.
Why is it that whenever an actor (or actors) is selected to present an award, they always prepare some goofy thing, like a skit. Skit is the proper word for this, because it is certainly not a sketch. Monty Python did Sketches. Those were funny. I laughed so hard I shit myself. Twice. But what happened on that stage was not Sketch comedy. It was a skit. A skit is something the guy in the office that “everybody says should do stand-up” prepares before his very long, very boring, time-wasting slideshow about The rise of whatever. Justin Timberlake had his sense of humor replaced with sweet green underglow 3 years ago. Everyone knows this. Not only is he not Banksy, but he’s also not that funny. He did try though. Oh how he tried. The comedic attempts aren’t what gets me though. What gets me is this. These are actors. People who ACT FOR A LIVING. They make notorious amounts of money saying words that aren’t their own, conveying fake emotions and they do it well…in most cases *cough* NicholasCage *cough* . But how they act on stage…It seems to equate to my Public School theater production of Ann Of Green Gables, or in some cases, plain ol’ bad community theater. I know for a fact Tom Hanks is guilty of this. It was during the time he had that terrible Mullet from The Da Vinci Code or “Smart Cars Can’t Chase.”
Lastly, the cock-polishing. Now there’s always rumours that The Oscars are rigged, people get paid off, blather blather whatever. For Instance, last year Slum Dog Millionaire cleaned up. I do confess it was a fantastic movie, but was overhyped. Like a girlfriend whose Boyfriend just keeps bringing her flower and chocolates and posting facebook statuses that even his future self will cringe at. This seems to be a recurring theme. One movie gets too many awards that it knows what to do with. And this year, it was terrible. Toy Story 3, you assholes. I don’t think you critics realized exactly how awesome it is. Why would you neglect the most epic animated trilogy ever? What would make you think that that’s even an option?
And so, it’s almost 3 in the morning, technically The Oscars happened yesterday…And I’m glad to have it behind me now, leaving me to build up a full tank of piss to blast at next year’s Oscars ceremony. With any luck, the critics will maybe become level headed. Or perhaps they’ll just all die from a deadly neurotoxin injected via dart gun from 40 yards away. Perhaps the actors presenting the awards will actually learn to direct themselves on a stage, or maybe they’ll just have EVERYTHING pre-recorded like so much current Hardcore music, or like 70% of The Oscars themselves. Maybe we’ll all realize that Celebrity obsessions is just like obsessing over your neighbour, and hanging pictures of them all over your walls, and sheets with their faces on them on your bed is really fucking creepy. One can hope.
Do we even know why they’re called Oscars? It had something to do with Bette Davis…
Gtfo tumblr. your status has made you an icon of fame. Not interest. You’re going to bring a crowd to tumblr that isn’t supposed to be here. The kind that used Piczo because it was popular. The kind that’s more of a follower than a source of inspiration.
I’m not saying these people are bad people. Heavens no. These people are very nice, and delightful to be around. But Tumblr is not a place for them.
So Celebrities, do us, of Tumblr, a favour….
Stick to facebook and twitter.
The vast minds of Tumblr.